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As a congregational pastor, I was in the middle of a three-month sabbatical. What a gift! I had abundant time to be with family, to camp and spend time out in creation, to rest and renew… and yet the cycles of anxiety and anger within me remained. In fact, with so much time to think, the anxiety was actually getting worse. I was feeling stuck, tired, frustrated and ready for something new. 

In early August I journeyed from my home in Goshen, Indiana to Pilgrim Park Camp near Princeton, Illinois for the Men's Rite of Passage (MROP) sponsored by the Illinois chapter of Illuman. Steve Thomas had encouraged me to attend this formational experience, and it is something that Mennonite Men has been encouraging for a while. As a Mennonite Men board member, I was also interested in attending to see how it might help me focus on men's work in the future.

I left home uncertain of what lie ahead. I was aware that the five-day MROP had been originally designed by Richard Rohr, someone whose wisdom I trusted. I knew there would be several other men there. I knew the experience would include fasting and time in the wilderness. But a lot of what I would experience remained a mystery. 

When I arrived at camp, I was welcomed warmly along with 23 other initiates. Additionally, several elders were there the whole time to guide the process and hold the space for us to do deep soul work. We didn't wade into the work slowly; The expectation was participation and vulnerability, and all of us brothers dove right in. 

Over the next days, we kept diving deeper into our soul work through learning, ritual, time alone, and time in small groups. We explored our mortality, we grieved, we practiced contemplation and we celebrated. Through the experience, I dove deeper into myself than I had before. I discovered inner wounds and lies of my false self. I discovered that my constant anxiety and anger had been churning from those wounds for a long time. 

I discovered that the patterns and mindset of my
first half of life just weren't working anymore. 

Throughout the deep dive experience, I also encountered God's love at my core, energizing my true self. While fasting and sitting alone in the wilderness, I contemplated the presence of a caterpillar and later a butterfly. I began to know in my gut the transformative realities that God is love, that God's abundant love is within me, and that through God's love I am interconnected with all things. During this time of awareness, I sat with some deep truths: Life is hard; I am going to die; I am not that important; I am not in control; My life is not about me. With each truth that on the surface sounded negative, I discovered joy and freedom. And in that joy and freedom, I began to discover within myself a new way of being, countering the churning anxiety, connecting with my true self and the divine spark within me and all things. I also experienced an ongoing call to work not only with men in their spiritual journeys, but also to encourage boys in their journey toward authentic manhood.

Now I am home again. Sabbatical is over and "normal life" has resumed. But somehow I am different on the inside: in my mind, heart, and gut. Yes, anxiety and anger will still be companions on my journey, but they are no longer my guides. I am a beloved son of God, initiated as a man into my second half of life. The journey still lies ahead and the challenges are still real. But instead of fearing the journey, I embrace the path of descent and seek to live one moment at a time, contemplatively centered on the truth of God's abundant love. 

I'll end with a few invitations as well as another Haiku

Every little thing
A true piece of God's Shalom
Interconnected!

I, Phil, am a beloved Son of God. I am in my late 30s, am married to Mary, and 
we have two sons, Ethan (10) and Noah (8). I enjoy running, biking, hiking,
camping, and spending time with my family, including coaching sports my
boys are involved in. I work as a congregational pastor at Belmont Mennonite
Church in Elkhart, Indiana. I also serve on the board for Mennonite Men.