​

"There are good ships and wood ships, and there are ships that sail the sea, 
but the best ships are friendships, and may they always be." - Irish Toast

What does every journey require? A crew. A team with a shared sense of purpose and trust. A group of people you can trust enough to show vulnerability in order to be held accountable. In working with boys and men, I see them struggling with finding their crew. Historically this crew would be found in church, on an athletic team, or maybe through work. As society has evolved, so have the places in which boys and men find their crews. Looking for friends to connect and develop meaningful relationships with other men. I am proud to say I found my crew in Kevin (aka KK, pictured left) and Brandon (pictured right). This is our story of how we have remained connected for over 10 years, adapting to the pandemic by using video games as a tool to regularly check in, encourage one another, and hold each other accountable.

Our origin story, according to KK:

"Three friends met and reconnected serendipitously amidst major life changes. We have remained friends for more than 10 years and have seen one another through career changes, devastating breakups, and difficult divorces. We have helped one another grieve and celebrate, and we've never done it perfectly which is why we've lasted this long."

The three of us met while I was living in Oregon. Brandon and I met working with homeless youth. KK and I met through a mutual friend. In 2019 Brandon and KK graciously agreed to join me on a life changing journey to return to the Midwest. Not many friends would give up a week of their summers on a 2000+ mile road trip to Indiana, of all places. KK wasn't even for sure coming until the last possible moment and he always reminds us, "I put my own job on the line." As he only got his shifts covered the morning we left.

Long story short, we made it to Indiana, but of course the journey came to an end and they both returned home to Oregon. Less than a year later we found ourselves amidst a "2 week global shut down". Reconnecting over Zoom, laughing became crucial to overcome the uncertainty and loneliness, and we discovered that checking in with one another helped. So in April of 2020, when the shutdown moved from a short break to indefinitely we each decided to buy an Xbox and began playing weekly. Now the point was never about excelling past a mediocre skill level, and I'm proud to say that in just over 4 years, with hundreds of hours of playing together, we have remained true to that commitment.

The point was always to remain connected and be a lifeline for one another. On any given week no topic is off limits - from politics, terrible dad jokes, and new hobbies we either started or wanted to start. To what came out during our recent therapy sessions or how our medication is affecting us. In those 4+ years we have only missed a few weeks of killing zombies and losing to 12 year olds. So if you're of the mindset that video games are solely for kids and immature adults, I will let Brandon explain why we do it:

 "Playing video games is just an activity to keep our hands busy and engage in something together. We use gaming to have a shared purpose and to practice teamwork. Win or lose, we do it together. I think it continues to work because we sincerely want to be better versions of ourselves. Talking freely, calling each other out, asking for help, and sharing what we have learned for ourselves in hopes that it might help someone out. Knowing that we are on the same page when it comes to destigmatizing mental health is critical in building that sense of trust with one another."

Men tend to communicate with one another "side to side" by "participating" in shared passive activities - like watching sports or fishing for example. These often result in shallow relationships involving no sense of intimacy. Yes I said intimacy, because I believe that is what men are actually seeking in partners and friends, but those same gender norms have led us to understand intimate as strictly romantic or sexual. Intimacy to me means being truly seen and heard by someone else, without fear of judgment or ostracization. Outdated gender norms have placed restrictions on the ways in which men are allowed to communicate with each other, so it is important that all forms be accepted so long as they involve that desire for intimacy.

That original trip also introduced them to new crew members - Brent (yellow sunglasses) and Scott (far right in the river). While Brent is not much of a gamer, his brother Scott wanted to be and he was also seeking connection and the support of male friends. The only issue was the cost of a new Xbox, so we agreed to pitch in and help. Thus our team of 3 weekly gamers became 4, and we continue to play (albeit at a mediocre skill level). KK points out:

"This weekly game night continues to allow us to open up and to be vulnerable with one another. This has helped me avoid isolating myself when it has felt so tempting. These guys have been there for me through all of it, and I am fortunate enough to have them in my life to look up to and to help me strive to be a better person. Without any shame I am proud to say I love them and I know they feel the same for me. It's important for men to have healthy connections where they can communicate and open up about their feelings."

Thanks to that first trip in 2019, we have spent a week together each summer, building on the intimacy we curate each week. We really are a crew, there to support one another through the journey. I feel out of sorts the whole week and recognize how important our relationship is to my mental health and general well being.